after it ends and before it started

assalamualaikum... wee!! alhamdulillah, my final exam is now over, so there's a lot of things coming. new challenges. so, insyaALLAH, before balik Johor jap lg, br la teringat, lama jgk x menaip. so menggatal jap. bukak blog sendiri, scroll down....down....tetibe termenjerit! AAAAAAAAA!!! ya ALLAH! pastu, atie tanye, tros ckp, eh..xde pape...xde pape... heheh. malu tetibe. terkejut, n tertakut, and terberdebar secara tiba2.

nmpk x??? 

aku selalu cam xkire, d last time aku kire ade 15 hari, so sbb kira hari...15, mcm byk je nombornye, mcm lama lg je lg. so, mcm rilek je lg. haha. tetibe td, bile tgk tggl 1 week and 4 days.... i was like mcm... sikit nye, 1, and 4....tros, dup..dap...dup...dap... haha. masa dah time! short time, time da tggl sikit. masa dah pendek. ha! amek kau. ape lg boleh nak terkeluar. haha

hurm, so far...persiapan, aku xpasti lg ape yg sebenarnye belom siap n ape lg yg aku belom buat sbb basically;

• borang nikah kahwin- DONE
• mak andam- DONE
• pelamin- DONE
• baju- ALMOST (still in da making)
• kamar pengantin- DONE (recycle from my sister)
• kenduri (makan, minum)- abah settle kan
• goodies- kakak dah belikan tggl packing which might be done time rewang nnt
• kasut princess- DONE
• barang2 hantaran- DONE

dah, tu je yg aku mampu pk. aku xtau lg ape yg perlu disiapkan. aku rasa tu je la yg perlu aku rasa, hurm. so, balik ni, aku telah ditugaskan utk mengemas rumah sebelum semua org balik, sebelum rewang bermula, tlg abah kemas bangsal tok masak2 kat belakang rumah, tmn abah survey lembu. haaa! lembu pon sekarang tgh menjadi 1 permasalahan besar. LEMBU XJUMPE LG!!!!

basically, lembu mmg la banyak, tp abah ada criteria die yg perlu dipenuhi..sbb tu la mcm ssh sket tu. hurm. 

so, kirenye, aku balik ni, aku akan berda dalam proses intermission, ala, mcm hindustan selalu tu...

so, basically aku lah heroin. hew3! so, tiada istilah rehat tok aku cuti ni sbb byk sgt berderet3. and actually, sume event yg sgt besar! the first one of course my nikah, then pas nikah i will need to bring my husband to meet the elders, and he will bring me to meet his elders. time tu journey jauh jgk la. habiskan yg di johor, pastu kene proceed ke kl, pastu back to puncak kejap tok kutip the rest of my belongings, kelantann, few places in pahang, then br blk ke rumah bakal suami ku di kuantan. hohoho! then i have about 1 week. seminggu tok buat segal persiapan yg berbaki tok kenduri di kuantan pulak. so, aku xtau bile br aku boleh proceed tok my final year project. hurm. belom cite honeymoon lg. ohoi! :p

so, kawan2. marilah bersama2 doakan kesejahteraan aku and encik tunang sekeluarga..semoga semua urusan kami dipermudahkan. semoga semua bejalan lancar. insyaALLAH. :)

ok, u can...i can't! :O

bukan senang nak senang. sigh~~~

hahaha. aku rasa aku lah pengantin yg sgt rilex di abad ini. cewah! xla jgk sbnrnya. sementara aku dihujani dgn kemalasan tok berjuan dlm peperiksaan, ahli family lain sume tgh bertungkus lumus utk menyiapkan apa yg ptt tok majlis pernikahan aku nnt dr pelamin, unga telur, hantaran, goodies n etc. tetibe rasa malu pulop. hoho!

the community....sume sibuk berbincang ttg my wed...task n PIC lg! hohoho...rasa bertuah sgt having them by my side. :D

my eldest sister da siap buatkan jadual pulak. adik beradik yg ni nak kene buat ape, siap ada kumpulan lg. haha. tugas dibahagikan dgn seadil mungkin mengikut keadaan masing2. hurm. scroll down....down lg....tetibe da end of page! eh? nama aku xde?? so br nak click reply, br teringat, owh...ok, aku raja sehari time tu. cettt! teringat zaman2 kakak2 aku kahwin dulu. aku la haiiiii yg sibuk ke sana sini. sekarang giliran aku mcm xbiasa pulak. berdebar tetibe. ohoi!!!

sedar xsedar, sekarang mmg tggl dlm 29 hari lg sebelum majlis. dup dap dup dap...bila fikir je berdebar...yela, bukan setiap tahun kahwin. :p

tp sebelum tu, aku terpaksa berhadapan dgn pen n paper...bertungkus lumus tok my final sem punya examination. so, bila da start berangan jd Cinderella je....bila pk pasal dewan exam tros teeetttttt....layu mcm sayur rebus. hoho!

semakin nak dekat ni jgk la hai, hati ni mcm2 rasa. syaitan menghasut jgn buat benda baik. rasa sangsi lah, xyakin lah, xsedia lah, sume3 ada. hurm... so, lately ni pon kitorg jgk berkomunikasi mcm selalu. sbb both sibuk dgn komitmen masing2. aku paksa rela belajar, die sibuk dgn keje kat office, uruskan parents die (since he's the only child), nak pindah rumah, uruskan project homestay lg. aku call je, busy...hurm... mungkin mcm ni kot dah kahwin nnt. tu la yg terlintas dlm kepala otak aku ni haaaa...xde masa nak asyik2  i love u...u love me....yg utama sekali adalah tanggungjawab. so, maybe ni adalah sedikit training tok diri aku...tanggungjawab!

aku ni adalah satu jenis manusia yg sgt cpt melayang. xleh nak fokus lama. haha. so, sekarang aku tgh jalani training yg coach nye adalah encik tunang... he ask me to take control over my body. use my head first instead of my heart. yela, sbb aku ni sgt lah hai selalu act before think. so, i hurt people most of the time when i open my mouth. bila da kuar segala mcm tu br la rasa serba salah....duh! so, yes, bukan senang. sbb once something tu dah jd habit, bkn senang nak buang kan...dah habit asyik berkepit, call n sms...so, bila xde sume tu jd mcm lost. mula la rasa terabai la, die da x sayang aku la, ape la. wadafakkkkk? tp x senang bukan lah mustahil. so, i just need to put more effort on it. i need to force my body to do things that is right for me. berusahalah! :D

Dalam surat Alam Nasyroh, Allah Ta’ala berfirman,

فَإِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا

“Karena sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan.” (QS. Alam Nasyroh: 5)

إِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا

“Sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan.” (QS. Alam Nasyroh: 6)

lets make a change! a better change. :D

INSYAALLAH.
:D

an end

sometimes, i wonder how perfect is perfect?

sometimes, i wonder, how great is great?

sometimes, i wonder, how strong is strong?

sometimes i wonder, how smart is smart?

sometimes i wonder, how brave is brave?

but now, i can finally understand the true meaning of it relies on the person who is judging it. we were created to be different from others. different by means physically and mentally (the way we think of something). it is totally subjective! we are the one who sets the benchmark of how _____ is _____. so, if that person is unable to meet your criterion, don't hate them coz you too might be hated by somebody eases somewhere in this world due to your inadequacy in filling in that somebody's standard.

be yourself

it is a very famous phrase. very famous until it turns out to be easier said than done. simple sentence with a lot of meaningful thought inside of it. have u ever be in my situation when u adore somebody, u tends to follow what are they wearing, what are they doing, how they walk, and etc... and at some point u are tired of trying to be that person because you really are not that person! deep down inside yourself there must be the real YOU. in my case, i am still searching and looking for ME. :)

i hate myself for being helpless

i hate myself for being hopeless

i hate myself for being weak

honestly, i am so very tired of the feeling of getting that kinda look mcm, ok, you can't do anything, you just follow what I ask you to be. it's so very tiring. the acting. hopefully, that one fine day i can stand on my two feet without anybody's help, without having anybody asking me to do what is right for them and totally wrong for me. i am still waiting for that one fine day to come.

i can totally live my life happily before you came, and should i change that after you're here? i am done with the tries to impress you. i am now doing things because i wanted to do it. because i love it. no more because of you.

PMS

so, last night was tough! when i said tough, it means full with emotions. mcm biasa lah. last weekend blk kampung. dah HUHAHUHA segala dgn my nieces and nephews, bile balik puncak alam, KREK KREK...mcm senyap gile n kedengaran cuma bunyi2 cengkerik. so, the process to adapt with the so called 'new' environment is hard for me sbb, yela, makin nak kawen ni, makin la berat hati tok melakukan segala2 yg berkaitan meninggalkan family. especially bila br blk dr sana. belum blk tu, rasa ok je lg. macho je. da blk rumah, n pastu nak keluar, MASYAALLAH! mcm kene angkut batu berpuluh2 kilo atas bahu ni haaaa!

so, i was tired. very2 tired. alhamdulillah, still manage tok finish up my second last assignment. ada lg 1. hehe. BERUSAHALAH! :D study la jgk sikit2 for today's test, and also ALHAMDULILLAH. berkat doa ibu jugak rasanya...ALLAH permudahkan urusan. tp, mcm biasalah. bila2 time PMS ni, mixed emotion punye phase tu pon tibaaaaa...jeng3! even the slightest mistakes can lead to sadness, madness, and every other -ess! and of course, basically the one yg akan terkena tempias time kat rumah JOHOR is my parents. bila aku rasa terabai je, i mean, kdg2 bila abah keluar xajak pon teros nak merajuk. xnak ckp n xnak makan la, buat kerja xberhenti la, and segala mcm cara yg aku biasa buat tok menunjukkan tanda protes aku lah! (reminder: tp never go too far sampai kurang ajar ok!) tp alhamdulillah, abah sgt lah caring and understanding anak dara die yg seorg ni. balik tu mesti abah akan belikan something yg aku suka mkn, mcm putu bambu kat kedai feberet, or rojak buah yg boleh buat aku meleleh air liur ke, gorengkan aku telur mata dgn kuning cair ke..teros ok! hehehe. i miss my abah so very much. selama bertahun2 melayan kerenah aku tanpa pernah mengeluh even sekali. xpernah merasa diri tu terbeban sebagai seorang mangsa keadaan. sbb itu adalah fitrah seorang perempuan. beruntunglah sesiapa yg dpt mencari seorg suami seperti abah. :)

so, PMS or pre-menstrual syndrome is commonly happens before the girls period. kalau korg google, jumpe la mcm2 facts about it. so, biasanya start during the second half menstrual cycle. and FYI, menstrual cycle tu different for different people. standard 28 days, tp ada jgk la yg 30, 35 and bla3. so, if menstrual cycle cth la 28 hari, PMS ni akan start pd hari ke-14 selepas first day period. and semakin dekat dgn tarikh nak period tu, semakin lah menjadi2. hoho! and, PMS ni akan stop biasanya 1 ke 2 hari selepas period. physical changes yg biasa jd adalah, perut rasa bloated and penuh angin, pastu breast rasa tegang, pastu kdg2 sembelit, kadang2 cirit birit, pastu mula la rasa nak makan mcm2, and pastu kepala sakit berdenyut2 sbb akn sgt ssh nak tolerate noises and light.

besides that, the girls yg tgh melalui PMS ni akan cepat confuse, ssh nak fokus, cpt lupa, selalu kepenatan, pastu rasa bdn pon lembab je. pastu emosi selalu terganggu dgn rasa sedih, rasa sgt keseorangan, rasa hopeless, cpt tension and bla3... penat plak nak rephrase segala ayat dr  web ni. so, allow me to copy and paste eh. hehehe.

The most common physical symptoms include:

• bloating and feeling gaseous 
• breast tenderness
• Clumsiness
• constipation or diarrhea 
• Food cravings
• headache 
• Less tolerance for noises and lights

Other symptoms include:

• Confusion, difficulty concentrating, or forgetfulness
• fatigue and feeling slow or sluggish
• Feelings of sadness or hopelessness
• Feelings of tension, anxiety, or edginess
• Irritable, hostile, or aggressive behavior, with outbursts of anger toward self or others
• Loss of sex drive (may be increased in some women)
• Mood swings
• Poor judgment
• Poor self-image, feelings of guilt, or increased fears
• Sleep problems (sleeping too much or too little)

pastu bile aku scroll2 kat google pasal PMS, ada la mcm2 gambar lawak yg menyatakan kebenaran PMS nih. hoho! so, thanks to mr. google for these images: 

so very me. hahaha

me too? hahaha

this is how it feels like. :(

and this is what i wish for if i met a guy that refuse to understand my situation. hoho!

so, to me the conclusion is being both male and female is not that hard. both gender ALLAH dah kurniakan dgn kelebihan and kekurangan masing2. kadang2, ada org ckp senang jd perempuan sbb senang nak masuk syurga, taat perintah ALLAH, taat suami, hotmat kedua ibu bapa tp dengan adanya kurniaan ALLAH seperti PMS ni, bukan senang nak buat semua tu, especially tang nak taat suami tu bila dah kahwin nnt. tp, ada jugak perempuan yg ckp senang la jd lelaki, xyah tanggung PMS, xyah tanggung penat mengandung and sakit bersalin, xyah sibuk2 nak kene jg nak, kemas rumah n bla3. tp dlm pada masa yg sama, dgn segala kelebihan yg ALLAH kurniakan pada kaum lelaki, terselit juga tanggungjawab tersendiri yg perlu mereka galas, mcm cr nafkah tok keluarga. sbb itu lah both male and female kena faham keadaan masing2. kalau tidak, mmg meletus lah perang dunia ke-3! hahaha. 

semua kesenangan and kesusahan di dunia ini adalah satu ujian. kita lah yg perlu decide tok terus berjuang ataupun menyerah kalah. 

:)

i miss them, so badly.

alhamdulillah, i had a so very great weekend. thanks to my beloved lecturer (ceh! br la beloved kannnnn... :P) sbb tukar jadual kami and finally membuatkan kitorg free on Thursday and Friday. yeay! so, i decided to go back to my hometown. ahhhhhh... i feel at ease. alhamdulillah. tgk je kereta abah drp dalam bas my hearts pounding. berdebar2. mcm jumpa kekasih yg dah lama terpisah. jumpe encik tunang pon x mcm ni! haha. how i miss my daddy. bukak pintu kete. tgk je seraut wajah yg dirindui tu, aku rasa mcm segala beban dalam kepala otak aku ni hilang! terus ketenangna tu dtg menerpa. subhanallah.

dihalaman rumah, aku terpandang pokok limau bali yg abah tanam tepi parit.
"eh, abah, limau bali tu dah masak ke?" aku tanye sbb limau tu dah xde kat pokok.
"xla...xmerasa pon...dah kene amek dgn org. ade org berkenan." dad answer.
"hish! apela. org punye la tggu nak makan. senang2 je die amek. da la xnak berusaha ke ape, tau curi je. pisang pon sama, petai pon sama. hisyyyyy!!!!" aku marah2, membebel sorg2.
"xpela, mungkin mmg bukan rezeki kita, anggap jela sedekah. insyaALLAH ALLAH akan balas dgn yg lain..." -abah-

gulp!malu!

sungguh tenang sekali. aku yg xmerasa susah nya menanam, menyiram, membaja pulak yg bising2. yg menusahakannya rileks je. hurm.

turun kereta, alhamdulillah. nampak sesuatu yg telah membuahkan hasil! pokok jagung yg aku tanam dgn ibu time nak puasa dulu dah berbuah. abah kata dah boleh petik n rebus. tp aku x sempat nak tgk lama2 sgt sbb tros lari gi kat ibu. hilang teros rasa marah sbb hilang limau bali. hahaha.

pokok2 jagung kami kat depan umah. :)

alhamdulillah. ALLAH masih bg nikmat. manis betol. paling manis yg penah aku makan lah! ibu ckp maybe sbb lepas petik tros rebus n makan. masih segar. 

keesokan harinya jumaat. aku ajak abah gi pejabat agama sbb aku nak amek borang tok bernikah. abah hantarkan and ibu pon ikut jgk, selama ni bukan main payah lg nak ikut gi mana2. semenjak duduk ber2 kat rumah ni, romantiknya lain mcm je parents aku ni. hahaha. so sweet!

bayar RM5 and dapatlah borang tu. isi tok HIV, pastu tros gi klinik. wat test HIV sume2.

eksaited terlebih ke ape? awal giler isi borang. hahaha.

pastu kitorg gi pulak la ke kedai, cari cadar tok hari bahagia ku nnt. pastu beli kain tok kenduri. pastu balik. hahaha! sepanjang cuti ni jgk aku sempat la ushar2 nak andam, pelamin and bla3. abah helps me a lot! tq abah! sayang banyak3! :D

tp dalam kesibukan tu jgk kene jgk siapkan jahitan baju bakal mentua. haih...ibu paksa. :(

tp betullah, even xcantik pon, tp da jd tanggungjawab sbb aku dah amek n sudi tok jahit ritu...ikhlas2... :p

da malam2 ni, aku mcm homesick. teringat ada air nenas yg ibu bekalkan dalam peti ais. tiba2 menitis air mata. i miss u ibu, abah. :(

air nenas dalam botol. yummy! the only bekal yg tggl. :(

semakin mendekati tarikh, semakin aku rasa berkecamuk dalam diri nih. seriously, rasa excited tu xdapat lgsg mengalahkan rasa sedih utk meninggalkan tanggungjawab terhadap kedua ibu and abah sendiri and berbakti kepada suami tercinta dan ibu dan ayahnya pulak. tp mcm biasalah, semakin kita nak menghalalkan sesuatu yg haram, semakin halus cara syaitan guna utk menggoda kita. ibu selalu pesan:

"jgn anggap berbakti kepada org tua faizal tu satu beban, ikhlaskan diri jaga mereka tu mcm kau jaga ibu n abah sendiri...insyaALLAH, benda tu xkan menjadi satu bebanan sebab ALLAH akan permudahkan..."

aminnnn...doa ibu antara doa yg dimakbulkan. seusainya majlis akad nikah nnt, ibu bapanya juga adalah ibu bapaku. tp rasa berdebar, sedih tu xdapat dinafikan langsung! jadi, aku menggunakan masa saki baki yg tggl ni tok berbakti dgn bersungguh2 utk ibu and abah. tp they too feel the same. makin dekat tarikh tu, makin mcm2 diorg nak buatkan utk aku. makin semua benda nak buat sama2 and makin sume yg aku suka cuba mereka sediakan. nak makan apa, nak beli baju ke x, aku suka nenas carikan nenas smpai seguni, rebuskan jagung, aku suka roti carikan roti, sambal, suka makan tahu belikan tahu...totally speechless. compare dgn ape yg aku dah buat tok mereka?

sebahagian nenas yg abah belikan. yummy! terima kasih abah! :)

sbb tu la...sementara ada waktu, mereka masih berada di muka bumi ni, sementara masih boleh bersama, embrace the moment. sbb 1 hari nnt, nikmat kasih sayang ni akan ALLAH tarik. samada mereka pergi tinggalkan kita, or kita pergi meninggalkan mereka (as in my case).

jadi, aku suggest, cara paling mudah tok berbakti kepada mereka even time kita jauh adalah dengan mendoakan kesejahteraan hidup mereka. marilah, berdoa. semoga ALLAH memelihara kedua ibu n abah kita xkiralah kat mana pon mereka berada. insyaALLAH. :)